The Orange Striped Lemming is a creature native of the United Kingdom but recently discovered near Seville in Spain. The Lemming, renown for being one of only two flying mammals in the animal kingdom, can be found in small groups collectively known as an Intoxication of Lemmings. The intoxication can usually be spotted soon after dawn clutching heads (sometimes fury, but the male usually balding), blinking, sweating and trembling.

The pack leaders, having fed and watered long through the night, are usually the first to rise from the den. Communicating in low groans, they examine the weather and layout of the land, preparing to take their intoxication to search for sustenance. When satisfied it is the area is free of predators and policeman, the pack leaders raise the horde with unnecessarily loud, cries of “Come on, it’s flyable” while surveying the rain and dense fog. Subordinate members of the group are expected to respond enthusiastically to the calls, and such subterfuge hides their desperate need to sleep in the warm burrow.

And so it was, on Saturday morning, we set off in respective cars to search for a lorry full off flying kit (last seen by the motley crew of Jay, Silent Bob and Mark) and the missing members (last seen by Jay, etc.). Once the dispersed elements of our band were collected and van of goodies located, the pack leaders set course for Destination Las Candelas 2007.

A sight of breathtaking beauty welcomed us. Proud, verdant hills surrounded the slate grey lake. A breeze played merrily with the marquee erected in anticipation of the event. This remarkable beauty, unfortunately, was lost on the group as they struggled with hangovers and parched mouths

Upon arrival, he that is Paralytic approached they that were organisers. The tidings were ill, Lemmings were not welcome to participate in the joviality of the day, having missed the chance to register for the competition. Furthermore, flying in vicinity of the event would not be welcomed, and we were asked in polite but firm tones to follow the tracks of the now famous Lord Lucan.